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Episode 20: COVID and Cancer

I’m in no way trying to diminish the sadness and shock that the world is going through right now, but I have to say that this particular moment in time is indisputably the most relatable the world has felt to me since being diagnosed with cancer.

COVID-19 and Cancer: definitely the two strongest ‘C’ words of my past year. (How fitting that my 20th blog post would be one to summarize the most powerful moments I had in 2019/2020).

I was talking to a friend the day after I rebooked my flight home, hurrying to get back amidst the very real threat of being stranded. (Yes, I realize that stranded in Hawai’i sounds lovely in theory… but realize that means stranded with no health care and minimal gov’t assistance. It means potentially being stranded and taking up a much-needed hospital bed that wasn’t intended for me). So I was talking about going home, and the virus, and the incontestable circus it has made of everyone’s lives. What came out of my mouth surprised even myself. I said,

“Right now, it feels like the world is experiencing what I experienced last year, but on a global scale.”

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Episode 19: Little Up, Little Down

It’s been a while. Mostly because for the longest time I figured that if I didn’t write about cancer… why bother writing? Now I realize that the phase I’ve been in, the treatments I’ve been experiencing, even the fears I walked through during diagnosis… all those experiences and moments will come out in time. The time that they need to, not when I think they need to. So, for the time being, I’m going to write about the parts that what I want to (which may or may not include cancer). This part does.

One of the most difficult parts about being sick for me has been wanting to know where my life is going. For most of the fall, I couldn’t focus on ‘getting well’ because I was too busy stressing myself out over stuff I couldn’t control. It may not be cancer related in your case, but I know most of us can relate.

I wanted clear, precise directions and answers. What would my body look and feel like at the end of these 6 months? What jobs could or should I consider as I transitioned out of treatment back into ‘real life’? Where would I live? How much should I baby myself? And how much should I jump and dance and plan all the trips and do crazy things because I survived cancer? Was I supposed to have had this spiritual awakening that would change everything from here on out? What should I do with my life, now? (You know, the little questions).

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Episode 15: Truly known and deeply loved

Who knows me? Who understands me? If everything I did, everything I am known for, and all of my dreams of the future suddenly disappeared one day – who would stick around?

I think one of the most challenging aspects of moving or transitioning is that your community shifts and changes. You suddenly find yourself in a new place with new people you need to somehow convey yourself to. People joke all the time about how hard it is as adults to make new friends; you can’t just walk up to someone new on the playground and start a game of tag anymore (I mean technically you could… anyone game to try it out and report back?) But beyond the lack of accessibility of new friends, (everyone is hiding out in their office buildings or Netflixing alone in their homes!) there’s also the fact that as we grow older our needs change. No longer is the pinnacle of friendship defined by finding someone who also loves Barbie’s or Pokémon, suddenly we find that our expectations of relationship have expanded.

What I mean by that is simple: I desire friendships with people who track with me, are on my level… or in other words, people who know me.

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Episode 13: What are you so ashamed of?

“Shame is a soul eating emotion.”
― C.G. Jung

I could not help but notice that people really freaked out (in a good way) when I wrote about shame in my previous post (Epi 4) last summer. That post had infinitely more responses and reaction than any other topic I’ve written about. Honestly, I don’t think it was because it was my most phenomenal writing, I think it was because shame rarely gets called out. Now, I realize I’m not Brené Brown. (But I most definitely will quote her).  I’m not any sort of research expert in the slightest. But I think its safe to say that shame is something we all want to talk about. So I’m gonna keep talking.

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Episode 8: Trash Talk

In honor of the upcoming holiday season known for its relational stresses and strains, I figured I would write about an issue I have dealt with time and time again. (Unavoidable side note: I don’t think that the holidays naturally create relational drama. I think they create the perfect little petri dish environment of stress and exhaustion where drama thrives). The crazy thing is that this issue has been a repeat offender for me, yet I could never see it until after some sort of breakdown or distance from the relationship. There is something so deceptively subtle about this that some of you may not even recognize it in your own life (yet).

The basic synopsis of this issue is simple: learning not to take on someone else’s stuff. By stuff I am referring to the anxiety, depression, neediness, control, or any other plights that any given person in your life may be experiencing on any given day.

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Episode 7: Behind the Curtain

How many of you can guess something exciting that happened for me this week!!? (Hint: it’s very related to this blog.) Of course I’m referring to the premier of Stranger Things 2. The release of the second season got me thinking about the reasons why this blog started in the first place. Naturally, I needed a post to go along with it. The problem then became finding some way to deeply connect mythical demogorgons to vulnerability or shame. It was a real brain teaser. Honestly it was eating away at me. (In the back of my mind though… mostly I was wrapped up in the show.) That is, until episode 5 hit! And with it, one of my favorite scenes from the whole season unfolded.

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